“Men go to bars, women want a penis” (a pregnancy tale)

During my pregnancy, I got to a state where I finally experienced what they call ‘penis envy’. I did not relate to Freud’s assumption that I secretly wanted to be a man.. but rather, I was so bloated, fat, constipated and just plain angry that my husband (who does have a penis) was allowed to do more things than I was, hence, causing a certain envy towards his actions.

First things though, my husband was, during my pregnancy, a pillar of patience, comfort and unconditional love (despite the raging hormonal interferences thrown his way)I know now he still is all these things, but during the 9 months of growing our little girl, he was the giant penis who was allowed to have a drink, eat sushi and go out and not be tired at 8pm.

Every time the poor guy wanted to go out on the town (which he did a total of only 4 times during the entire 9 months thank you) he left a happy and content wife at home: ‘sure honey, of course enjoy a night out, go to bars, say hi to the guys for me’…. but come 2 am, if he wasn’t home by then, the hormonal beast would take over and I’d rant about how he gets to ‘gallivant’ all over town, have the ability to take the stairs without peeing his pants and meet with friends at any time, oh… and probably eating some sushi and products with raw egg in them while he was at it, the bastard!  (I didn’t say the beast made sense..)

Thankfully, come morning (and a reality check chat with a very confused husband) I reverted back to being the more balanced, bloated, hormonal, pregnant wife.

 Just some tips for the future daddies going out:

–  Being pregnant is not always what it’s cracked up to be; and when we are not busy peeing our pants, crying over fabric softener commercials or craving foods we can’t have , we are imagining what it would be like to have ‘you’ carry the child instead.

–  The hormonal beast is real, but also temporary…. so just ride it out.. she’ll push that thing right out along with the baby

 And some tips for the future mommies stuck at home:

– As the proud owner of a penis, your partner will have no idea what it is like to have your uterus kicked in at 5 minute intervals ….and we can’t expect him to either… it’s like women knowing what it would feel like to be punched in the balls (and despite any discussions out there to the contrary, we have noooooo clue)

– Give the guy a break, he’s going to have a massive wake-up call once the baby is there, whereas the mommies already get a preview which helps us prepare ourselves better.

3 comments

  1. Absolutely fantastic! Your a natural and a true talent! I tell you lady, you really are! Looking forward to reading more and more. 🙂 mwah

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