Tickle, Tickle, *Fart*..Snore – Life Recipe: Getting a Massage

As much fun as getting a massage once a week would be, most of us don’t have that cash just lying around and would rather spend it on more useful things like, I don’t know, food.. But whenever I’m able to put that little extra aside, I like to treat myself to having someone knead out all the knots and cranks accumulated over the last few months…. and just ahhhh ‘zen’.

Unfortunately I’m also one of those people who will think the most inappropriate thoughts at the most inappropriate times, am prone to fits of giggles, rather ticklish, and tend to be somewhat gassy at the most unfortunate moments as well.  Safe to say, I had to find myself of few coping strategies in order to enjoy my much-loved massages over the years.

1)      If you are ticklish (I seriously hate hate being tickled) you don’t want your massage therapist to be working on a wriggling, swirling body on their table, who cracks up every 3 minutes going: “ahahaha, hihihihi… stop iii-iiit”. Not fun and tends to take away the benefits of an effective massage.  I used to try and think of sad things like dead puppies and the whaling industry, but one day I got carried away and ended up crying on the table (freaking out the poor masseuse in the process). So my new thing to do, to prevent me from involuntarily slapping the poor girl/guy, is to go to a happy place; a favorite scenery if you will. A place where I don’t need to think, but just enjoy being in the moment. Yesterday, however, my scenery changed from a beautiful green meadow to orange autumn leaves, and then a mystical dock in the ocean….. Until I realized my mind was taking me through the Windows XP slideshow of template backgrounds… (spending too much time behind the laptop much?)

2)      If you tend to think the most awkward thoughts at the most unsuitable times, point (1) can also work for you there.

3)      Keeping up with the trend of improper things to do during a massage…when the need to fart arises…. Don’t do it! You just suck that thing back in where it came from until you get stomach cramps! The last thing your massage therapist wants to smell, whilst working on your glutes, are the nasty toxins they are so kindly massaging out for you.

4)      As I myself, do not have a penis, I can’t speak from experience here… but some of my male friends have told me stories of unintentional ‘arousal’ if you will, when receiving a massage. If this unfortunate event would happen to you, I would recommend you ignore it and just lay there embarrassed and quietly whilst thinking of your great aunt Judie’s mustache or picturing Steve Buscemi naked. I’m sure they have seen it all before and are used to it. What you shouldn’t do though, is wink and ask them if they want to ‘help you out with it’… no no…just..no. Don’t be ‘that’ guy.

5)      And some more useful (and less messed up) tips when getting a massage would be to avoid eating just before and allowing your body to digest your food first, breathe normally and relax your mind, and drink lots of water afterwards.

Relax and Enjoy!


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