For those who know me, I don’t usually shy away from having a nice in depth conversation about the adventures of our bowel movements (something my grandfather and I have in common) and I always like me some good ol’ fashioned toilet humour every now and then.
So put down whatever it is you’re eating, get over the myth that women sh*t unicorns and rainbows through an opening made of rose petals, sit down comfortably and join me through the evolution of pooping towards parenthood.
1) The Wishful Thinker
(Especially relevant to first trimester of pregnancy)… where you sit on the bowl all cramped up.. let out a few toots, but nothing comes…. ever. for days. Ever!
2) The Singer
At 32 weeks pregnant I had been feeling very gassy and baby was playing around inside, so went to the bathroom at work to do a dreaded number 2 (which I hate doing in public)… I crept into the stall and started my slow ordeal of release as silently as possible. There I was, pushing but also anxious… until I heard this sudden higher pitched noise. Wondering what that could be, I looked around but it stopped. I resumed my pushing stance and low and behold, there it was again, that sound ! Then it suddenly dawned on me… the sound was coming from me! It appears I was whistling a tune…………………from my a**hole. Didn’t even know we could do that … so yes…. there’s that …
3) The Phantom
When you know you pooped. There’s poop on the toilet paper, but there is no poop in the bowl (with a big belly in the way, visual confirmation can be harder to acquire).
4) The Mexican
When you’ve eaten spicy food because they say it can induce labour. If you think that chilli con carne was hot n’ spicy on the way in… Think again, grab the side of the bowl and hold on for dear life.
5) The Braxton Hicks
When you start feeling contractions and honest to God believe you’re in labour… only to realise it is a poop… and you’re about to have a practice run at the miracle of giving birth.
6) The Peaceful Poop
(A very rare event) When all the kids are taking a nap, the dog is sleeping on his matt and your partner is at work. You’ve been holding it in for hours, in anticipation of this very moment, where you can just go… read a gossip magazine and spend some quality time on the sh*tter.
7) The Sequel
You’ve done your business. You meticulously wiped your behind and are about to stand up when you realise there’s a sudden second load and you have to start all over again.
8) The AGB
The ‘After-Grog-Bog’ where you finally had a night out and reacquainted yourself with your old pal ‘Beer’. The results the next day are not only a killer hangover, but usually accompanied by a log of a poop you might have to flush twice.
9) The Mona Lisa
This is the ‘piece de resistance’ of dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender it would make Da Vinci weep. And you made it, all by yourself. You may even want to break out the camera or call on the family to come have a look (but that might be taking it a bit too far).
10) The Backwash
The loud ‘clunk’ followed by water splashing against your butt cheeks… usually resulting in a full body shiver and a face something along the likes of this….
11) The Audience
When you have no choice but to go; and the kids, the dog or anyone else that needs your attention at that moment will gladly join you in your throne room. (the exact opposite of the Peaceful Poop)
12) The Bear in the Woods
Not something I’ve experienced myself, but still note worthy. I once had a very hairy friend who was taking his sweet time in the bathroom as I jumped up and down outside waiting for my turn. After asking him what on earth took him so long, I was given the response “Have you ever had sh*t stuck to your fur?’…. safe to say it didn’t need further explanation.
Thanks for coming along for the ride, now go wash your hands and have a lovely rest of the day 🙂