Before you read this and think ‘jezz, what a trampy tramp tramp’, I would like to clarify that the following are all a compilation of sexual escapades taken from the many stories my friends and I have shared over the years. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that we can have our wilder years before settling down in order to know what we want (and most importantly, what we don’t want). Not an opinion that is shared by everyone, which is completely fine as each to their own for sure, and also an opinion I will shelter my daughter from until she is old enough to be able to learn from those mistakes we make during those years. To clarify, I don’t agree these wilder years should start at 14 and can wait well into the early 20s, so tweenies.. put the vodka cruisers down and go enjoy being young just a bit longer.
Anyway, rather than just tell the hook up stories we’ve shared, I’d like to attempt to categorise each style of hook-up as a type of a drink (because often it was the drink that got us there in the first place).
1) “The Lawn Mower”
It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been sexually active or how many naughty films you have seen…. before you become the stud muffin you are today… you will have sex like a rabbit where you have no idea what you are doing and she won’t say anything as you jack hammer until the finish line. You start up like a lawn mower and rakatakatakataka…
2) “The Long Island Who’s He/She?”
Where you had so much to drink that you don’t actually remember bringing this person into your bed last night.
3) “The Don Juan”
The fling with some Brazilian/Argentinean foreigner. You met in the club, knowing very well what his game plan was seeing you were the 6th person he hit on, but decided to hook up anyway for the sake of taking in some culture.
4) “The Ol’ Fashioned”
The good old, boy meets girl, boy meets boy, girl meets girl you name it; where your eyes meet across a crowded room, you go on a few romantic dates and hold back just enough so as to show how much you respect each other before diving under the clean sheets, missionary style as you spoon post-coital and plan a weekend away.
5) “Sex on the Beach”
It sounds super romantic – waves crashing down, a slight breeze, and the shimmer of the full moon….but let’s share one word… crumbed sausage.
6) “The Forbidden Fruit”
Often the best hook ups of them all, because let’s face it…we all like what we can’t or shouldn’t have. It can be someone else’s crush, a friend’s sibling, or plain just a naughty little secret. This also works when you’re coupled up and have naughties somewhere you’re not supposed to. Basically anything that is frowned upon or taboo… is often the most fun. (Like junk food really)
7) “The Friendini with a Twist”
Friends with benefits have been around since the dawn of time. Be it because of a shortage of potential partners in your area, hanging out waaaay to often with the same crowd, or just wanting something familiar and comfortable… having a friend to lean on (and with ‘lean’ I mean bump uglies) can sometimes be quite fun as you both embark and explore this new world of ‘sex’.
8) “The Expat”
An elaboration from the Friendini, where you have a friend you only see every few years or so for a little woopie. Long enough to have a good time and kick your socks off, but short enough before it turns into a regular friend with benefits.
9) “Gotch Ya RedBull”
The over eager, or very horny person who just can’t wait to get their hands on you. I once had a mate who encountered this very person and walked away with rope burn…. on his penis. Safe to say, he didn’t call her back.
10) “The GodFather”
The guy who thinks the phrase “who’s your daddy” actually works outside of bad 80s porn flicks.
11) “Enough-Bush City”
This goes for both genders…. landscaping is a must. This does not mean you need to follow the trends of ridding your special areas to look like a 10 year old, nor do you need to take that trip to the salon to bleach your a**hole… but a little TLC ‘down there’ can go a long way for you as well as your partner under the sheets.
12) “The Paparazzi”
Where you’ve hooked up with a famous person and you’ll always have that … regardless if the sex was good or not
13) “The Tri-jito”
When two become one…. plus one.