Not many can say they actually remember their parents bringing them home for the first time .. but I remember it as if it were yesterday… or was it in fact yesterday? (I don’t know, I’m not very good at estimating time). My mother fell in love with me from the moment she saw me.. she said she had been waiting for me for a long time… and those first few moment were all a blur of cuddles where she wrapped me warm in my blanket, held me securely when seeing the doctor for my shot and everyone ooh and aah’ed when they saw me… I had landed in paradise. (That’s until a few months later when she had the doctor remove my balls…not cool dude.) Maybe now is also the best time to mention that I am in fact her “canine, life companion” Ed (short for Edward)… also known as ‘the dog’ but that seems like such a derogatory term don’t you think? (*scoffs….bends down and licks own butt hole*)
The first 10 years of my life (or at least I think there were 10, who knows really… for all I know I was already 70, ha!) I was the king of the castle.. Everywhere we lived we had a garden where I could bury my bones, forget where I buried them, and then have my mom buy me new ones to bury all over again! I got a cheeseburger on my birthdays (*wags tale*), endless cuddles and long walks along the beach and river. After she met dad, we moved to new countries, with new parks to explore… I had them, and everyone around them, wrapped around my adorable chunky paw. I knew it.they knew it. and life, my friend, was grand!
After some time, I noticed mom was more emotional than usual and standing a lot in front of an open fridge just eating anything and crying a lot (and I mean anything…. dude, coming from a dog.. you can imagine it wasn’t always a pretty picture). I don’t know why, but I had a strong need to protect her even more from the many dangers of the world such as loud noises, other dogs and random bursts of wind. Dad was also acting different around her and I admired him for remaining a gentleman and not saying anything when she got fat… Then one day, she packed a bag, gave me a kiss and took off. She had gone on holidays before, but had always taken me with her, so I was quite surprised when dad came back home the next day without her. He didn’t stay long before he took off again… and when, later that day, he came back home he shoved a dirty old diaper all up in MY FACE!! *** A stinky, dirty, DIAPER,man!! I mean what the f*k was THAT for !?! He mumbled something about ‘getting used to her scent’.. who the frick is ‘her’ and why did I need to smell her nasty leftovers ?!!! I was royally confused…. but..then they brought ‘it’ home…..
Its name was Charlotte, and the same thing was happening as when they first brought me home… cuddles, cooing and blankets (although I didn’t see them take her balls when she was 3 months old, but whatever.) She was so annoying!! Yes also adorable, smiley and kinda funny.. but mostly annoying. She took up all of their time, our walks ended up me pulling my parents around like zombies and suddenly I wasn’t the one sleeping in between them on Sunday mornings anymore, but I was sent to the foot of the bed..(*pause for dramatic silence*) really…the foot of the damn bed..like a SERVANT!
I was ready to pack up my bowls and leave for better pastures, but then she kinda grew on me. She learnt how to throw a ball (BALL!!) and quickly figured out I would eat literally anything she would pass me under the table.. so I stayed… and I fell in lo…ahum ..started to tolerate her more…the kid was alright.
Another few years passed (or 20, who knows..) and our small little family was doing great. We had moved back to dad’s homeland and they even took me to go see the Eiffel tower and some new parks (more statues in these ones, but hey… grass is grass and I peed anyway.. French style).
Then, not so long ago, mom was getting all teared up again for no reason… she started getting fatter and gassy. At first I thought it was all the cheese, but when I saw them grab Charlotte’s old clothes out of a box, I felt it… a familiar panic .. the flashbacks of dirty diapers being shoved in my face came rushing back, and I knew it… Oh Dear Dog Lord, there’s another one !!!
And sure as sniffing another’s butt-hole, a few months later, there it was… a second Charlotte (but this one they called Mathilde.. beats me as to why they needed a different name .. still looks like a potato to me.. just like the first one did). So again we have begun the ritual of having zombie-like parents and taking shorter walks. Suddenly me being all winy, needy and running in their way isn’t adorable anymore. I mean come on, I run in front of your feet, you almost trip holding the baby.. but then you don’t…and we all have a laugh..?! .. no? Needless to say, I had already lost some of my royal power when Charlotte came along, but now with this new one it’s like I’m ‘just the dog’ or something !!
I tried to show my parents my distaste with the new roommate situation many different ways… First I started by staring intensely at them for minutes at a time but not telling them what was wrong …I also did this in the middle of the night.. in the dark (you know, for extra dramatic effect). That only freaked them out so then I started to place myself in their way as they were doing housework (laying in the kitchen when dinner was being cooked, blocking the toilet door when someone was in there and asking to go outside..then inside again..then outside again..). When that didn’t work, I started to become needy but I would refuse their hugs when they offered them to me… I sure was showing them, ha!
Then one day, my mother did something I never thought she could do.. she broke my heart…. (*whimper puppy eyes*). While the toddler was making an awesome castle out of her dinner and the baby was crying loudly cheering her on.. I decided to whine a bit more and steal some of the food that was lying on the table.I mean no-one was eating it and everyone seemed so excited about all the mashed potatoes being sprayed around the room. But then my mom suddenly got so angry with me and sent me to my bed. I refused to go and then I heard her say it … sure, she mumbled it… (I’m a dog.. I can’t tell time for sh*t, but I can hear you from a mile away)… I heard her say “Sometimes I think it would be easier if you’re no longer around Ed“. I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed, I am old , forget how to use the stairs sometimes and have trouble controlling my anus..(*prrt*) but that hurt, man..
I think she felt the same though, cause shortly after this stab to the heart, she hugged me like she hadn’t hugged me in a long time and cried “I’m so sorry Eddie” … first I panicked and thought she was pregnant again, but I quickly realized she just felt bad.. the woman still loves me (*wags tail*).
Since then, we have been cuddling more.. She is trying to be more patient and I try not to trip her on the stairs as much.. and when the two potatoes ..ugh..I mean ‘adorable children’ (*rolls eyes*) are being a handful, I try to give her some space to deal with them… then I winge some more 😉
I’ll never make peace with the fact that I am now ‘just the dog’.. I was a damn king. My days of eating off the same fork and sharing the bed are over, but I know she still loves me very much. She still picks up my poop.. with her hands… and you just don’t do that if you don’t love…
I’m sure the second one will grow on me as well and the silver lining here is that, soon, I will have two little hands sneaking me cookies under the table… bon appétit!